Cusco Peru; To Rob a Robber

The Tale of The Mugged Robbers

Editors Note: Sometimes we get a story in that we ‘umm-n-ahh’ about, not sure whether to post it or not. And for many reasons too. This story as related below is such a story, but also an amazing and entertaining tale that is worth reading, if only to wise you up on what NOT to do in foreign countries like Peru. Names have been changed and published under ‘Guest Writer’ as the author quite frankly doesn’t want to deal with the flack that could come from it. In fact, it may even be a story of a story….Personally, I think its just another tale of travelling worth telling…seriously, lets not hide our heads in the sand about subjects like this..

Vendors sell so much more than whats on show!

Cusco, a city nestled in the Peruvian’s sacred valley, shrouded with mystery and mystique. A nice little city as far as cities go, although a little more hectic than the rest of Peru. Crowded dark cobbled alley-ways are packed with hawkers selling everything from massages to mescalin, and mingle with the sounds of car horns, bus engines and anxious street vendors - all of which loudly smear together to create Peru’s raucous touristic epicentre. From the dark corners, eyes fix on potential gringo targets (those gringos being fresh and naive), excited at their anticipated experiences of magical mountain ruins.

With the same giddy excitement they hit the streets. Maybe not with the same naivety as most, with John boasting over a decade of travelling, even being kidnapped at gunpoint in Bali and held captive until a ransom of 3000 pounds was paid. For the Captain, he had travelled the world for the last 20 years, experiencing everything from being shot at in the Kashmiri Mountains to living on the streets of Spain without a cent to his name, with nothing but the shirt on his back. So you’d be forgiven for thinking that they’d be a little more streetwise!

“The truth of it is, that going to new places, meeting new people and boldly going head long into things is often the best way to get the best experiences.”

John and the Captain had decided on a 4 day jungle tour to get to the fabled Machu Picchu ruins, booked to leave in 2 days. Dreaming of exploring the ruins for years gave good reason to feel the once stated giddiness of anticipation. They were hardened travellers, each with different stories, dreams and needs. It just so happens that Johns needs involved the occasional puff on the old green dragon. So around lunchtime on that day John asked the Captain if he would help him acquire a bit of grass to heighten his Machu Picchu experience. The Captain rarely smoked puff anymore but he thought of this as another little challenge, and what are friends for anyway, if not to get you into all sorts of dodgy predicaments. So off they went.

Cusco Markets

They had offers from all types and forms of vendor, usually discrete semi-audible whispers of sorts, which sounded more like a family pet relieving itself of gas stored from nights of Christmas leftovers.

All were offering a different manner of mind altering drug, but you need to be careful and through a poorly tested process, select the right character to do the deed, as there are many highly lucrative dodgy scams that can either land you with what you were after, or land you in gaol.

The boys decided on someone they could potentially find in the future, just in case the deal went pear shaped. The corner shoe-shine kid was their pick; un-kept and slightly grubby around the ears. A little slow, likely from the years of sniffing cheap boot polish, but never the less boasted a huge smile which made him look as trustworthy as you would be likely to get, considering the circumstances.

The deal was to go down in an inconspicuous plaza with little to no prying eyes. The shoe-shine kid acquired the services of another to organize things. The Captain and John weren’t too sure about this new arrangement but it was too late, the new fellow had shot off before they had a chance to renegotiate.

Ten minutes later, the dealer returned with a bag of what the boys thought to be what they were after. The dealer was very slow to give them the bag, looking to and fro with boggling eyes. The transaction was in play, they passed the money to the dealer. Instantly the dealer looked over the Captain’s shoulder with a look of terror, crying out “POLICE!” then ran off into the cobbled labyrinth before the boys had a chance to check the bag. Sure enough, after they too had escaped the invisible police and took a minute to open the bag, they found John’s money had purchased a tightly folded local newspaper. Not even a good read and totally overpriced, definitely not what John was after!

Local Peruvian folk

John and the Captain went looking for the corner shoe-shiner but to their astonishment the shoe-shine kid had vanished with his whole setup, off into one of the many tiny cobbled alleyways, never to be seen again.

With not but a few old crumbs of boot polish strewn on the cobbles they had to admit defeat, so the duo with tails between their legs made their way back to the pub on the main square, where some friends were drinking a few beers, waiting patiently on the balcony wondering if they would ever return. Joining them, the boys grabbed a few tall cold beers and settled in to share the fruitless story.

John feeling altogether jaded, leaned over the balcony, staring out over the square when suddenly he shouted “There! There he is! That’s the kid there!” So before anyone knew what was what, the Captain sprang into action with John in hot pursuit, launching out of the pub and down the stairs.

There were four kids now, and with John still on his way down the stairs, the Captain needed to think quickly and tactfully, so before they even knew what was going on, the Captain taped the tricksy robber on the shoulder and casually led him away from his company with a firm grip around his arm.

This all happened a little too quickly for the robbers friends to make head or tails of; before they had time to react, the Captain had already retreated into the dark recess of the stairway with the kid robber. By this time John had caught up and the fellow knew he was in trouble and started whimpering about having made a mistake and that he could fix it by getting John some more stuff. Getting John his money back was the only thing on the guy’s minds, and this kid had lost any possibility of them trusting him, so through his pockets they went and sure enough they regained what they were after.

John and the Captain feeling quite happy with their recovery threw down another beer and settled in for an afternoon of tall tales and true.

Part Two

Colours, noise, sound and smells all merge in a sensory overload

The next day the Captain slept in a little, getting over the effects of a night of endless quenching, only to be woken by John asking him through the poorly painted venetian window if he would accompany John on another mission to supply his needs. Through much visual protest he accepted and off they went to see a man about a green dragon.

Now John had already been up for a good while, scouring the city for someone to acquire puff. He told the captain he had found a fellow that appeared as honest as you could get from someone selling puff. So with a little more caution they preceded to the main square to rendezvous with John’s man.

On meeting with the dealer the Captain was instantly sceptical of John’s choice, as the dealer was obviously on something other than strong coffee - he was speaking so quickly his tongue was getting lost in his mouth, he had eyes that resembled wheels on a Ferrari and he twitched more than a lab rat on electrodes.

John was still adamant that this bloke was legit, so they walked off down another alley, and again did the deal. The bag of gear looked good but it was tightly sealed so they couldn’t take it out and examine it properly, and to do so opens up way to many unfortunate possibilities of unwanted police presence.

John paid the man and they left, with John excited at the prospect of finally getting what he wanted. Back at the hotel John broke the bag open and had an instant reaction to what he found inside, a reaction the Captain had seen only a day earlier, one similar to the face of bulls in a knackery. John had once again been ripped, purchasing a bag of what seemed to be fresh garden mulch.

More markets and their vendors

Once again John was leaning over a balcony, his mind twisted with disappointed anger, but now it was the balcony of our hotel, overlooking a different square, a square still cluttered with people all going about their business. Suddenly, John shouts out that he could see the rat that had ripped him off. Like a pure moment of de javu, the caped crusaders; the Captain and his faithful companion John ran down the 10 flights of stairs taking 4 at a time till they were out in the square and hot on the heels of the electrocuted rat. They soon had him walking at high speed, trying to escape the inevitable mugging.

The rat stated in audible shrills that he knew everyone and if anything happened to him, worse would happen to the boys. He tried in vain to get the attention of people he passed in the alley, trying to prove he knew everyone. He briefly said a few things to a man leaving his apartment then shouted out to the Captain “See I know everyone and everyone knows me!” Sceptically the Captain also stopped the man, queried him on his relationship with the rat, telling the man that the sneaky rat had robbed them. The man told the Captain that he had never seen the rat before and that we should deal with him accordingly.

It was time to take action, so the Captain jumped in front of the rat and John pushed the rat up against the wall, roaming his pockets, but finding nothing. The Captain decided to use Gestapo scare tactics on the rat, calling for the police and sooner than you could say “I’ll never rip off another gringo”, the robber dove his hand down his pants grabbing John’s cash from a place your imagination shouldn’t ponder on. John released his mug hold and let the rat scurry off back to the gutter he came from.

The Captain later came to the conclusion that John should give up spending time with puff the magic dragon and that now they could consider themselves the only two gringos to get the tricksy robbers back at their own game.

A two day experience on what NOT to do in the streets of Cusco.